Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter Tears

The silence of my condo is always constant and I got used to it after staying here for 19 months. But after sharing it with my son for nine days, the silence is never the same again. I am consumed with loneliness beyond explanation.

It might seem funny to know that the reason why I am crying now is because my son just went back to our home after spending 9 days with me in the city.

Just 9 days ago, I could not contain my happiness and excitement while I was waiting at the airport to meet him. I was looking forward to nine days off work and spending time with my beloved son. Of course, that is not the same as bonding with a toddler, because my son is already a young man. But if you are a mother like me, you will understand that a son or a daughter will always be your baby, even if they grow old. You will know that times spent with your child is always a great time.

The nine days was such a happy experience, not because of the food we ate at fancy restaurants, nor the things we shopped and splurged on. It was a joyful experience because I was with the person I love most in my life.

Now, the nine days are over. Back to reality.

It's Easter Sunday but I feel like Good Friday when I drove him to the airport.

It’s silly to be feeling like this. I am a 48 year old mom, used to living alone and being away from my family most of the time. Now, I am wallowing in tears and downing mouthfuls of dark chocolate while pouring out my feelings in this blog, in the hope of easing the pain in my heart. The chocolate tastes like tears or maybe my tears taste like chocolate. I don't know. I am not enjoying this.

I am never good at good byes even if they are temporary. I am always lousy in dealing with separation. I am beyond logic when it comes to being away from my son. Maybe all mothers are like me. Maybe I am weird. I don't know. I am not proud of this.

Tomorrow, I will be back to my daily grind of office work and travels thereafter. Soon I will be busy with so many concerns. But I am sure, that at the end of the day, or at the end of each travel, when I come home to my condo…the silence will never be the same again.


Lesley said...

Oh you're not weird at all Ss! I really feel for you after reading your post. It's ironic that when our children are babies and toddlers, we desperately need some time for ourselves to relax..... when they're grown up, we cherish any time we can spend with them.

I'm glad you had 9 lovely days together and I hope it's not too long before you meet up again.

Carol said...

There is nothing silly about the way that you're feeling today. You are quite correct, regardless of what age our children are, they always remain our baby. Allow yourself to feel this way, feeling it is a reminder of just how important our human connections are to us. Of how important our beloved children are. We're Mothers :-)


SearchingSoul said...

Thank you very much, Lesley, for your warm words. Thanks also, Carol, for your assuring post and hugs. This world is truly a better place with mothers like you, who knows how to wipe the tears in a most comforting way. It worked better than the dark chocolates. :-)

Dan Denardo said...


Let the resurrection joy lift us from loneliness and weakness and despair to strength and beauty and happiness.

- Floyd W. Tomkins

Hang in there, my friend. I feel your pain. Your level of loneliness is indicative of your level of love for your son. - D2

Deboshree said...

Although I'm not a mother, I understand how you feel.You're not weird at all! I'm sure all mothers and children feel the same way.
I felt the same way when I had to go away from home for just a week!
Don't be sad..such times will come again.I'm glad you made the most of it.^_^

E.June said...

Even though i am not very understand the feeling of a mother when their children are away (because i am not a mother yet), but i always miss my family whenever i had to go somewhere far. After i read your post, i think i know better how my mother feel now.

Mukund said...

Well... I am not a parent but being a son I can asure you that your son must be feeling some what the same way... having lived in a hostel I have gone through it...
Its been quiet a while now since you posted this... I do hope you feel better now...

Trisha said...

As a much-loved daughter, I think it's beautiful you feel this way. I, of course, feel sad for you feeling sad, but it's a positive sadness...on both our parts. How much worse would the world be if parents didn't love and miss their children?

SearchingSoul said...

Dan: I know that the feeling of loneliness during separation is not the monopoly of moms. Dads like you feel sad, as well. Thanks for comforting me, my friend.

Deboshree, E.June, Mukund and Trisha: Thank you for reminding me that children feel the loneliness as well. I was so consumed with what I feel that I forgot my son may also feel as bad. Thanks for the point of view from sons and daughters.

Ron said...

As a son that travels extensively, I completely understand how you feel. And as I read every word you've written, I keep thinking how my mom might be feeling exactly what you've described.

My mom and I are very very close. I would do anything for her. She is my guide, my light, and my beacon in life. A mother's love is so precious...I cannot live without her! I'm sure your son feels the same way I do too.

Be well, Be safe, and Be happy!

Lesley said...

Hi Ss, Not long after you posted this, our eldest son dropped in for a flying visit. He lives in France, works in Belgium and we're in the U.K.! lol We never know when he's going to turn up and his visits are all too infrequent. When he left to go back home, I was on a real downer and completely understood how you felt when you posted this.

Haven't heard from you in a while. I hope you're well.

Jenn Jilks said...

Hello, just spotted your January comment on my OntarioSeniors.blogspot again, when cleaning up some files. Our kids popped in for Easter, too. My son had an Easter Bunny swim. I miss them so much when they are not around. I understand how you feel. Keep your chin up. You are a beautiful person. You are loved.

Carol said...

It's been such a long time since you were here last... I do hope that everything is o.k your side!