Saturday, October 15, 2011

A Yesterday Person

I am so ashamed to admit that I am a yesterday person. The truth is, I tried so hard to hide this from everyone. But every time I look at myself in the mirror, I am confronted with the sad reality: I live in yesterday. I wallow in yesterdays' sorrows. I live in yesterdays' glory. I cannot move on and I live today with bitterness in my heart.

It's been two years since I lost my job yet until now I cannot accept why I lost it. Until now it is the biggest issue of my life. Until now I haven't found a job as good as or as close as the one I lost. There are times I blame myself for not saying I wanted to stay. There are days I would pray so hard that everything was just a bad dream and I will wake up tomorrow back to the life I lived two yesteryears ago. But every time I wake up, I am still stuck in this painful reality that those good old days are truly gone.

Looking at how I lived these last two years, I was drifting like a log, tossed by the waves and swept along with the tide. There were days I was happy and hopeful. There were days I felt so wasted and awful. Some days, I terribly missed the life I used to have. Some days, I wanted to move on and leave yesterday behind, as fast as I can.

But where am I going? If I could go anywhere, where would I like to go? I tried going on vacation to different places I wanted to see but as soon as I came home, reality would stare back at me - I haven't gone anywhere except living in a wishful thinking world. I know I really need to decide where I should be going, not in terms of vacation, but in terms of life's journey...and I need to decide fast.

This is not the way I want to live for the rest of my life. I am not a loser. I am a born fighter. I lived through life fighting and winning the battles of everyday. Now I am facing a formidable foe - ME, a pathetic yesterday-person me.

I want to really wake up and start living today. I know I need to count and enjoy the blessings that come with my new life. I just have to remind myself that even burdens have their blessings. I have to accept that God is leading me to take a scenic detour in order to reach the new world He prepared for me.

I am ashamed to admit that despite knowing that I have to live in the HERE and NOW and that I have to trust the Hands that steer my life's course, I still live in yesterday. I fervently wish that one morning, I will finally wake up and find myself truly enjoying the presents of TODAY.