Saturday, October 15, 2011

A Yesterday Person

I am so ashamed to admit that I am a yesterday person. The truth is, I tried so hard to hide this from everyone. But every time I look at myself in the mirror, I am confronted with the sad reality: I live in yesterday. I wallow in yesterdays' sorrows. I live in yesterdays' glory. I cannot move on and I live today with bitterness in my heart.

It's been two years since I lost my job yet until now I cannot accept why I lost it. Until now it is the biggest issue of my life. Until now I haven't found a job as good as or as close as the one I lost. There are times I blame myself for not saying I wanted to stay. There are days I would pray so hard that everything was just a bad dream and I will wake up tomorrow back to the life I lived two yesteryears ago. But every time I wake up, I am still stuck in this painful reality that those good old days are truly gone.

Looking at how I lived these last two years, I was drifting like a log, tossed by the waves and swept along with the tide. There were days I was happy and hopeful. There were days I felt so wasted and awful. Some days, I terribly missed the life I used to have. Some days, I wanted to move on and leave yesterday behind, as fast as I can.

But where am I going? If I could go anywhere, where would I like to go? I tried going on vacation to different places I wanted to see but as soon as I came home, reality would stare back at me - I haven't gone anywhere except living in a wishful thinking world. I know I really need to decide where I should be going, not in terms of vacation, but in terms of life's journey...and I need to decide fast.

This is not the way I want to live for the rest of my life. I am not a loser. I am a born fighter. I lived through life fighting and winning the battles of everyday. Now I am facing a formidable foe - ME, a pathetic yesterday-person me.

I want to really wake up and start living today. I know I need to count and enjoy the blessings that come with my new life. I just have to remind myself that even burdens have their blessings. I have to accept that God is leading me to take a scenic detour in order to reach the new world He prepared for me.

I am ashamed to admit that despite knowing that I have to live in the HERE and NOW and that I have to trust the Hands that steer my life's course, I still live in yesterday. I fervently wish that one morning, I will finally wake up and find myself truly enjoying the presents of TODAY.


Jennifer Richardson said...

I love your honesty.
Sounds like you're taking a step
inside of your heart
(those usually come before the ones
we take with our feet!)
loving and lifting and cheering
you on:)

Hindsfeet said...

oh how I *know* where you're at, S.S.....i could've written so many of these lines myself....that stuck, drifting, suspended feeling I know only too well.....mired in yesterday and all the stuff that accumulated back there, yet desperately wanting to sail, untethered, into "brand new day"....

...I *know*, S.S. ...and sometimes that helps a little, to know that we're not alone....., dear friend, are *not* alone.....

wishing us both grace and good shepherding for the journey ahead, for the gift of being fully present in the present, for hands and hearts that are open to the good that lies ahead...

much love,

Hindsfeet said...


read this tonight....

"O you afflicted one,
Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,
Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,
And lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of rubies,
Your gates of crystal,
And all your walls of precious stones."

-Isaiah 54:11, 12


chemist said...

Searching Soul:

Every now and then when faced with life's frustrations (politicians in the office trying to do me in so to speak) I want to throw in the towel and retire .... but then I am confronted with just how many folks like yourself are without work and are desperately searching for more work. So I trudge on and will likely keep in working for a little while longer.

PS: Thanks for stopping in at my blog! Much appreciated!

PPS: Stay tuned for another posting. I am in Jakarta this week after spending a few days in Singapore and Balikpapan, East Kalimantan (aka Borneo). Tomorrow I am off for a few days of blessed vacation in the area before starting the LOOOOONG journey home. Stay tuned for a posting!

Traveling Chemist

Hindsfeet said...

stumbled on this a few days ago and thought of you...

"We have arrived at the understanding that we needed our experiences -- even our mistakes -- to get to where we are today. Do we know that we needed our life to unfold exactly as it did to find ourselves, our God, and this new way of life? Or is part of us still calling our past a mistake?

We can let go of our past and trust ourselves now. We do not have to punish ourselves with our past. We dont need a rule book, a microscope, a warranty. All we really need is a mirror. We can look into the mirror and say, "I trust you. no matter what happens, you can take care of yourself. And what happens will continue to be good, better than you think."

Today, I will stop clinging to the painful lessons of the past. I will open myself to the positive lessons today and tomorrow hold for me. I trust that I can and will take care of myself now. I trust that the Plan is good, even when I dont know what it is."

-Melody Beattie, "The Language of Letting Go"

peace tonight, my friend,

Hindsfeet said...

Got your sweet note, friend.....

on we go into come what may....

you are loved and you are not alone...

your fellow traveler,