Life begins at forty but midlife crisis starts anytime after that.
I am not afraid of growing old, gaining extra pounds (although I must admit it will take a lot of pep talk to myself before I can accept it) and seeing new lines around my face. What I am afraid of is this most uncomfortable feeling I cannot understand.
I call it by different names - boredom, restlessness, impatience, worrying, feeling of getting lost, mild depression. They simply call it midlife crisis.
Losing my job last 10 months ago was the biggest blow in my life. I think this triggered this unusual feelings consuming me right now. I was used to living the corporate life, waking up everyday with a thousand and one concerns waiting to be solved. Then suddenly, I am not busy.
Now I am like sitting here by a roadside cafe looking at people rushing on their thousand and one things to do for the day. Everyone is moving in super fast motion while I am moving in a slow grind together with the clock, the sun, the clouds and each day that comes.
I remember watching some Chinese people doing Tai Chi exercise at the park early in the morning some years back. I wondered how they feel controlling their movements until they look surreal in suspended animation. I may never know how they feel but at least I know now what these ultra laggard movements do to oneself. It clears your mind of the clutter until you see the important ones magnified right before your eyes.
It's getting cystal clear to me now. I have issues to tackle. Where am I heading? What is my purpose? Which path should I take? Why is this happening to me?
As of now I have no answers to these big questions facing me. In fact, the more I look at them, the more I am perplexed. On the other hand, the more I set aside answering these questions, the more I am agitated. Either which way, the issues give me undue stress.
A friend told me that I just worry a lot. I am now slowly entertaining the thought that I am indeed undergoing midlife crisis.
11 comments:
When I was forced out of the corporate lane, there were tons of documents under my bed that constituted an easy law suit and I considered it over an over. Not until I pulled everything out and burned it did I start getting some relief. Now I'm a happy chicken and goat farmer and life is better than it ever was. Just do not beat yourself up about things that were out of your control. Pegs on a board, moved and re situated and then pulled off the company organizational cart totally.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Annie. You are right. Not until I can accept that my corporate life is over could I really move on. I wish it will be as easy as ABC.
I'm afraid any feedback from me would be the blind leading the blind, SS...
A feeling of "suspended animation"...yes, I can relate to this feeling exactly...a feeling of Chrysalis...hoping there are wings on the other side of the waiting.......so far there has just been more waiting...
...feels like a string of false finishes sometimes...just when you arrive at what you thought was the end of the course, there are still "miles to go before I sleep"....
...is my need patience? endurance? Trust in God's timing?
Whichever, it is definitely a stretch right now......my soul is being stretched beyond what I thought I could bear....but here I still am, bearing it...not broken......
Hard to walk/wait without a roadmap...there is the fear sometimes that I'm missing the boat entirely.....
It is a struggle right now....one that I hope means growth, one that I hope is not futile fumbling...one that I hope leads to a crack in this cocoon, one that will let in some light...one that will result in flight....
In the analogy, "Hinds' Feet on High Places", the main character, Much-Afraid, whom the Good Shepherd has promised to take to the High Places, is speaking with the Shepherd....In one solemn moment, near the end of the journey, near the top of the mountain, in a chapter called "In the Mist", He asks her with utmost solemnity, "Do you love me enough to be able to trust me completely, Much Afraid?"
Much Afraid answers, "You know that I do love you, Shepherd, as much as my cold little heart is capable..."
To which the Shepherd replys, "Would you be willing to trust me, even if everything in the wide world seemed to say that I was deceiving you - indeed that I had deceived you all along?"
Much Afraid answers hastily, "Why, yes, I'm sure I would, because one thing I know to be true, it is impossible that you should tell a lie..."
The Shepherd looks deeply, compassionately into her eyes, and very quietly asks, "Much Afraid, supposing that I really did deceive you? What then?"
Much Afraid looks into His eyes, then bursts into deep sobbing tears and then, after a time, she decides, and, looking straight into His face says...."My LORD - if you can deceive me, you may. It can make no difference. I must love you as long as I continue to exist. I cannot live without loving you."
At this point the Good Shepherd laid His hands on her head, then with a touch more tender and gentle than anything she had ever felt before, repeated as though to himself, "If I can, I may deceive her." Then without another word he turned and went away."
Searching Soul, in the end, Much-Afraid makes it to the High Places intended for her all along.....But the path takes her first through, not a mid-life crisis, but this crisis-of-faith...This point of decision...
I believe that is where we are at...I believe that it is necessary, critically necessary, that we go through this, though we do not understand now. But it is a crucial piece of the journey. A conduit to the bursting of the cocoon.
When the disciples were on the boat, in the middle of the raging storm, completely without their bearings, Jesus comes on the scene. They were in a "mid-ocean-crisis"...
Though Jesus momentarily permitted it, His intent was not that they should leave the boat and walk on the water, but that they should invite Him into the boat with them, so that He could take them to the other side, out of the storm, safe to shore, where a new part of their lives would begin, with greater trust in the One who navigated them through.
See you on shore, SS, perhaps just a short time from now...
your friend,
Hindsfeet
My dear friend, long time no see!!
Hmmm, what you say is just so human. I can imagine what it must be like, this feeling of seeing your life turn upside down right before your eyes. I really do understand.
But be sure of one thing, maybe this has happened because you indeed needed to slow down and take a closer look at your life. I'm sure there is a higher purpose behind what has happened and things will fall into place with time. They always do, my friend. They always do :)
Much love n hugs,
Deboshree
Dear Hindsfeet,
It never felt like a blind was leading me...you were my eyes and you saw where I am stuck...in a boat in the middle of a stormy sea. How did you know that my name is Much Afraid?. I guess you were there during my conversation with the Shepherd.
You are truly an Angel sent by God to be a blessing to people like me. Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.
SS
Hi Deboshree. Yes, there is a higher purpose why all these things are happening to me. I truly need wisdom, discernment, patience and faith. Thank you, my friend.
Hi Searching Soul....
Right there with you, traveling with you....I think perhaps our "animation" is not as "suspended" as it seems......
The shore is coming into sight, my dear...hold tight to Him....just hang on....
"Those who sow in tears will reap in joy" -Psalm 126:5
I so get that... the feeling is misery. As I was reading, I smiled at the image that popped into my mind of you sitting on a nest....a big, awkward egg. Just waiting.
When will this thing hatch?
Tired of the process.
Itching for forward motion.
Aching to stretch out cramped wings
and FLY, already!
Somehow, I just believe
you WILL;)
And the hatching will be brilliant...the next chapter of your life just waiting to be born.
There is beauty in the struggle.
Hang in there, mama goose.
It's gonna be worth the wait:)
(really, really glad to find your blog)
-Jennifer
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for the wonderful message. I get the picture. You are right, I have to be more patient...things will come at the right time.
I am equally happy to find you here.
SS
Where are you??????? Please, let us know.
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