Life begins at forty but midlife crisis starts anytime after that.
I am not afraid of growing old, gaining extra pounds (although I must admit it will take a lot of pep talk to myself before I can accept it) and seeing new lines around my face. What I am afraid of is this most uncomfortable feeling I cannot understand.
I call it by different names - boredom, restlessness, impatience, worrying, feeling of getting lost, mild depression. They simply call it midlife crisis.
Losing my job last 10 months ago was the biggest blow in my life. I think this triggered this unusual feelings consuming me right now. I was used to living the corporate life, waking up everyday with a thousand and one concerns waiting to be solved. Then suddenly, I am not busy.
Now I am like sitting here by a roadside cafe looking at people rushing on their thousand and one things to do for the day. Everyone is moving in super fast motion while I am moving in a slow grind together with the clock, the sun, the clouds and each day that comes.
I remember watching some Chinese people doing Tai Chi exercise at the park early in the morning some years back. I wondered how they feel controlling their movements until they look surreal in suspended animation. I may never know how they feel but at least I know now what these ultra laggard movements do to oneself. It clears your mind of the clutter until you see the important ones magnified right before your eyes.
It's getting cystal clear to me now. I have issues to tackle. Where am I heading? What is my purpose? Which path should I take? Why is this happening to me?
As of now I have no answers to these big questions facing me. In fact, the more I look at them, the more I am perplexed. On the other hand, the more I set aside answering these questions, the more I am agitated. Either which way, the issues give me undue stress.
A friend told me that I just worry a lot. I am now slowly entertaining the thought that I am indeed undergoing midlife crisis.