Saturday, March 13, 2010

My Realizations

I thought that after the forced retirement, I could easily change lane. I thought that after leaving my stressful job, I can easily replace it with another more fulfilling one. I thought that venturing into another field or pursuing another interest is just as easy as jumping into another bus.

I was completely wrong.

After six months, I am still wandering. After half a year, I am still looking for a better company that will become my new haven to thrive. After 180 days, I am still looking confused at which road should I take.

My life has been a roller coaster ride of emotions since I left my previous job. There were days when I feel excited for the new opportunities coming my way. But there were days that I feel so down and out because of disappointments and worries.

Looking at my life now, I am a big mess. I know I need to organize the clutters of my world but I do not know where to start. So many options to do but the choices overwhelm me. I have listed all the possibilities but because I was never trained in the new field, I am overwhelmed with so many "what ifs" every pessimist can ever think of.

I thought I am an optimist. I thought I am courageous. I thought I am a "do-it-now" person.

I was wrong.

Through all these whole new world I am in, I came to meet my other half. I came to know that the strong woman I was known of has a shadow of a coward, a spirit of a doubter, a character of a pessimist. It was daunting to come face to face with my alter ego. But to become whole I have to embrace my total being. To be complete I have to accept all my weaknesses and imperfections. To have peace I have to acknowledge the fact that in every life some rain must fall and one can't help but be drenched.

I never thought I would miss the hectic schedules of my past job. I never thought I would miss the corporate pressure. I never thought I would miss the unending deadlines.

I was totally wrong.

If there are two big things that I learned from all these experiences, it is the realization that I need complete trust and patience. I do believe that everything happens for a purpose and greater good. I just have to trust God's hands creating a new dimension in my life and enough patience to wait for this beautiful change to unfold.

This time, I am sure I am completely right.


Dan said...


Thank you for this post. I know your journey has not been easy these past months, but I couldn't agree more with your last sentence. The fact that you know you are in good hands will bode well for you. And I'll be saying a little prayer for you.

You may want to pop over to see what one of your "followers" posted recently. I think it will be right up your alley. "Hindsfeet" says it way better than I ever could.


Deedee said...

Been there, done that Searcher. A year ago, I was where you are now. Laid off from a job I loved and thrived in for seven years, I was really, Cut-Adrift! every sense of the word. I can validate and totally relate to all those emotions and feelings of self-doubt.
But you are right, there is a new adventure for you in the works, as there was for me. Don't spend so much time looking behind you at the closed door that you fail to notice the new one opening before you (I stole that thought from somewhere!) Good luck on your journey!

Paula said...

You are ent wrong and you arent right. You are all of these things which you now call you arent.For so mayn years you lied in this lane of life and now so many qualities you have, havent had the opportunity to be explored, discovered, lived and enjoyed. This is an adventure in itself. Half your life back when you started on this other lane, you havent had all these developed skills and qualities on which u now rely upon. I learned that I often tend to the extremes: all right or all wrong. All tactless or all tactfull. Both isnt a correct observation. I am in the middle like most of us with some tendencies in one or the other direction on certain days. It took me years to accept and even longer to live it. I wish to "open your clenched fist" just a tiny bit and changes may happen. All the best. Paula

Hindsfeet said...

It's when the security of our cocoons fall away, that we realize how big the world is and we feel our smallness and frailty....

....but it is also the very thing that allows us to fly.....

You will find your bearings again, SS, you will find your wings....

peace peace peace,

SearchingSoul said...

@ Dan: Thank you for your prayer. I know I will be okay because God is carrying me now. You are right, our friend Hindsfeet said it well.

@ Deedee: Yes, I should stop looking back at closed doors. I find comfort on the fact that you and Dan have successfully triumphed after being "cut-Adrift."

@ Paula: Thanks for your words of wisdom. I am now opening my "clenched fists" for good things to come.

@ Hindsfeet: Thanks for giving me the confidence that I will find my stance after my comfort zone has gone. You really comforted me so much in your last post.

Lesley said...

Hello Ss. :)

I suppose it's when we feel secure that we believe we're strong and nothing can shake us.... until a life-changing experience comes along and suddenly we feel vulnerable. But underneath you ARE strong and because of that, and your faith, it will carry you through.

One of the constant themes in my life is striving for the stuff of dreams and then when I achieve it, I find that it is not all I had expected it to be.

I'm sure you're right about things happening for a reason and I hope that when that reason is unveiled, you will find contentment, direction and happiness again.

SearchingSoul said...

@ Lesley: You are absolutely right. When we are most vulnerable, we do discover a lot about our inner strength. Thanks for your comforting words.

Deboshree said...

Oh my friend!
Sorry for dropping in soo late!!

You see, all of us have these two sides inside us. It's just the circumstances which strengthen one and make the other side dormant. But that doesn't mean that it never existed. It does and always will. I'm glad you can see it and embrace it. It takes a lot of courage to do that.
Everyone of us has a weak side. It's human my friend. But one thing is great to know. You know more about yourself and THAT will strengthen you! Have faith my friend and believe. Things will get better!

Much love,